The knock at the door startled me from my Saturday morning stupor, but not enough to keep the sight of three television cameras, an attractive woman, and an older man in jeans and a t-shirt from stupefying me. I stared at them for a moment without saying anything as the older guy broke into a smile.
“Blaine Silverhouse?” He asked, his voice too loud, too projected to be coming from a normal human being.
“Who are you?” I mumbled.
“I am Salman Rix,” he said, turning to the cameras. “And this is Total Transformation!”
“Wha-?”
“We need to come in to explain everything.” Without asking, he pushed past me into the apartment, as did the rest of his little entourage.
“So, is your mother here?”
“No.” She worked as a corporate consultant, which meant a lot of traveling, but surprisingly little pay. The apartment was dingy, but I mostly had it to myself except for the rare week or two she was actually home.
“Well, I have some very. Exciting. News.”
I don’t gamble, so it couldn’t be that. I racked my brain. The only thing I had entered recently was an internet sweepstakes for a lifetime supply of old spice, but I doubted they’d send a camera crew to tell me how much deodorant I’d won.
“What is it?” I asked, after a moment of everyone looking at me, all rather awkwardly.
“You have been nominated by your classmates as the ‘Biggest Zero in America!’”
“That sounds delightful.” The pricks. I knew who it must have been. John Forsythe was the biggest douche in Blackton High, but had the unique opportunity of being a jock with a tech-whiz father. This meant he could bully in both cyberspace, and meatspace, and remain incredibly popular at the same time. Versatile fellow, that.
“So,” I asked. “Besides broadcasted humiliation, what does this mean?”
“Well, we needed complete honesty when doing this, so your friends…” he turned to wink obligingly at the camera, “…or enemies didn’t know what they were getting you into. But you, my lucky friend, just won a five million dollar makeover!”
“Makeover?” I asked, still sleep-stupid. “Like makeup?”
“WE FOUND OUR MAN!” The attractive blond boomed suddenly.
“This means, Blaine,” Rix said, “That we’re going to makeover your entire life!”
“Oh god.”
My life was never the same.
Chapter One
Welcome to the Set
Things are a bit blurry after that memory. I remember sitting heavily on the couch, my hand shaking as I raised it to push the black hair out of my face. They all stared at me, making :D faces, even though my face was more of a O.o kind of look.
“Wait, what? Am I being punked?”
“You’re completely not!” His made-for-tv voice was making my head hurt. The camera lights were burning into my retinas and my head felt like someone had pumped it full of helium. The chick was grinning like the mad hatter, and even the camera guys looked amused. I groaned and…I admit it…passed out.
Have you ever felt like you were in a bizarre dream, but didn’t know for sure? And you keep wondering if it’s going to take a turn for the better or worse, but it could go drastically in either direction? It’s not a fun feeling.
I woke up in a limousine.
Try that for a WTF moment.
The cameras were nowhere to be seen, and I sat up, suddenly feeling crazy insecure. I was still in my flannel pj bottoms and star wars shirt. Yeah, make your television debut like that.
“So what’s going on?” I asked. Rix had turned off his TV persona and gave me an almost awkward half smile.
“Hey. Want a drink?”
“Whaddya have?”
“Just coke products. You’re a minor.”
“Really?” I said. “I hadn’t noticed.”
He didn’t answer, just tossed me a Dr. Pepper from the console refrigerator. I broke the seal and drank half of it, setting it down in the mahogany cupholder. He was giving me an odd look, and I stared back.
“Your classmates uploaded a five minute video to our website, nominate the zero dot com.” He said. “They gave reasons why you were the biggest zero in America, expecting you’d be publicly humiliated.”
“Too late for that.” I muttered. “That happened on film.”
He dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “We’ll more than compensate for that. We’re going to turn you into the biggest teen idol America has ever seen.” He leaned forward, suddenly intense. His eyes were an odd shade of green, I noticed. “And I’ll finally move up from being a sitcom voice actor to being on the same level of Seacrest. I’ll get my own show…” The man was drooling, I swear.
